It’s nearly two weeks without a drink. I am missing it sometimes, other times not so much. I am sleeping better than I think I ever have, but evenings without a gin and tonic or a lovely big glass of cold, delicious wine are quite hard. There’s all this time to think, now, and I don’t like it very much. In fact I’ve felt a bit down, to be honest, a bit lost. A bit empty, moods are up and down and there’s no where to go, now. There’s no where that I can go where I am not thinking. But perhaps that is the thing, perhaps now is the right time to start opening those doors and walking into the rooms in my head, pulling off the dust cloths and confronting stuff. Or maybe all I need to do is just be alive, be in the moment, be in the world and everything will sort itself out.
I am meditating better and for longer. I am finding that I slip easily into it, I go through the stages of meditation easier. But at other times I have no patience, I am ratty and cross and things take on a bigger significance than they should. I seem to feel intense love for the world, and intense anger at the world, flip flopping emotions. I am concentrating better, though the first week my head was all over the place and I felt like I had no energy at all. The second week involved lots more energy, lots more enjoyment of things I’d forgotten I liked. I got my big pro SLR out and started taking photos again. I think it’s probably been a few years since I used it. I do have an Instagram account, I’ve always used my iPhone as a camera for the Instagram account, it’s so easy and simple and quick. And the iPhone is a pretty good point and click camera. But I want more. I want more substance.
I post a lot of food pics on intsagram, I post a lot of day to day stuff. I like it because it’s a form of social media that is instantly creative, I use it like a sort of diary, a non verbal diary that captures the little moments. I might start loading up the big camera photos, or I might start printing them onto canvasses or framing them for sale or…who knows. Maybe this is just for pleasure, just for me.
When I realised I needed to think about Embracing Plan B, which seems a long time ago now, but actually isn’t, I think I needed to think about the life I wanted to live, about what was important to me. I find visualising a great tool for motivation, and always the image of my life involved early morning walks, getting outside, going to places, experiencing things. Taking photographs, being in the world, not observing the world from a distance. Though, technically, I guess that’s what photography is. I want to experience places, people, emotions, relationships, poetry, weather, writing, literature, art. Goodness, but being booze free is doing that. The extra thinking time is often the time that I use to get away, go out, go see things. I have a Nomo app on my phone which tells me how long I have been booze free, how much money I’ve saved (£65.99) etc. I have titled it ‘Lucid Living’ as I think that best represents what I’m aiming for. I think eventually I’d like to aim for sobriety over abstinence, but I’m not entirely sure if that’s something that is possible. The fact that I have no guilt spending money on books because of the money i am saving through not drinking is a bonus, and I find myself cooking more new recipes, trying new non alcoholic drinks and teas. Last Saturday I was on the beach at eight am with the dog, I saw a deer, it was so close I could see its eye lashes. And I wish I had had the camera so that I could catch that moment of absolute beauty, the deer stepping its needle tip feet to the earth, swan bent neck, smoke eyes, eyelashes, I wish I could have caught that moment of poetry. That’s when I decided to get the camera out again.
In everything else I am plodding on, a bit behind, waiting on decisions for projects, not much writing. But when I do write it feels like it’s not being wasted, it’s not empty. I am trying to get some funding or raise some money that would enable me to spend a few months cutting back on running the business so that I can start working on the next, next collection. But for now I am working on edits for Gifts the Mole Gave Me, which is hugely exciting. I am also making headway into a bit more freelancing work, which is great too. And uni work is ticking over slowly with me reading endless papers on language and poetry.
I am really looking forward to a holiday.
Featured heart ‘Choose Love’ image is one of my own, please do not use it without consulting me